wow. first post in like....forever? hahaha. i guess i'll fill you kids in on some things before getting what i wrote into this post. [i swear, it's the first thing i've written in forever..]

new things in ana's ever so exciting life:
· i've got an amazing boyfriend, and i'm in love. [i know it's real, i just know it]
· i've lost even more weight. 117, size 1 &/or 3.
· i take vitamins every morning, thanks to my love. he cares about my health.
· i'm the happiest i ever thought possible....i've never cared so much about anything in my life as much as i care about him.
· i havent been going to church :[ not good, but my faith is just as strong as before.
· i'm going to start dance classes. ballet and tap....though i want jazz and tap....just like i always wanted.
· i will try to pursue my dreams of learning the piano, guitar, and take vocal lessons.
· i draw lately. nothing great, just abstract shapes and random shit. it looks okay.
· i'm more comfortable being me than i ever thought i would be. im more confident lately.... thank God.

that's all that comes to mind right now....follow the cut to read my little writing drabble!!!

( cutcutcut )

so technically, i'm sixteen. it's january 22 now....and im sixteen.

my dad actually showed up. which really shocked me. and it happened when i was talking to my boyfriend on the phone.... not great. shit.


what a great way to start out being sixteen.




i'm better now.
i'm seeing jeremy tomorrow when he gets off of work.
my dad is staying for the day.

it doesnt look too bad so far.
<33











ohyea. my boyfriend [jeremy] is trying to move back to arizona in four months. crushed me big time. i knew he was trying to go back ASAP, since he recently moved here.
i'm falling in love. it sounds silly, but i couldnt explain how we just click.



we're both upset about him moving....he wants me to go with him, but that just wont work.
good thing my mom will try everything so i can visit him.

so, i've noticed that i feel so uneasy if im truly happy.
it hasnt happened to me too many times [i'm not going to lie there], but when it happens, i just wish i didnt feel it at all.

that's so fucking weird. i'm happy as hell. i want to be able to say that im finally happy, but then i think oh shit. nothing good lasts forever and i obsess and dread the end of whatever the source is.

this is why i always end up sabatoging myself before i get too used to it. then it will hurt less when it does end.

i want happiness, and i want it to stay forever. which, sadly, it doesnt always.


im fucked.
fucked.
fucked.
fucked.



good Lord, why can't i just live in the moment like everyone else does?
why cant the future just be nothing to me?

i wish i could be aim free and just taking life day by day, but i cant. i just simply cant. because im afraid of the future, im afraid of what will happen to me. im afraid i'll never feel happy like this again, so i never want to lose it.

nothing lasts forever, and that scares me so much.



why cant i be normal?
my abnormality isnt even useful.
fuck.


and yes. this is partly talking about my boyfriend and stuff.
i dont like feeling how i do :'[
its weird and stupid and i've never felt it before.
























and i dont think i make any sense right now.

fuckfuckfuckfuck.
so. i met this guy. he's so fucking cute, like even his name is great.
then i talked to guy. he's perfect. i couldnt think of anyone better ever.

he's sweet. he's funny. he's just fucking GREAT.

he thinks im pretty.
he thinks i'm amazing.
he thinks i'm perfect.
he fucking compliments me like a MOFO.


and i know he's sincere. in our interests, we have almost nothing in common. but we just click.

its so fucking cliche. really...but i couldnt explain how i feel. i can tell him anything and not be ashamed or embarrassed, and i love that. i've never felt like that. he says he feels the same way.


holy fuck. i feel like a giddy fucking teenage girl.
whatever. i've never felt this good before.


hes an amazing friend. he's an amazing guy all together.
:]





yea. i want him to be my boiiifrannn.
<33
[fuck, you couldn't beat the smile off of my face.]

i'm super pissed. well, sad really.
the modeling people called, and asked if we could make it on friday night.

and my mom - without telling me - told them no. WTF!?
she should at least tell me this.

she has to work, and i understand thats important and all, but she knows how much i've wanted to do something like this. and like always, she wont make a sacrifice for something i really want. [ballet was the same, as was every other thing i've done in my life. very short lived things but whatever]

i'm just super upset because i really really really wanted this. of course i know i'll hear her complain about me writing this and going on about how she does a lot for me. blah, and she does.

but the things that matter most to me. things i've never done, she doesnt even consider trying.


that really aggravates me.
the people said they'd call the next time they come to my area, but heaven knows when the fuck that will be.

another little thing down the drain for me.

so. vasko was fuckin' around at the mall, and went to this table where you could fill out some little slip for modeling. and while he was there, the dude asked him my name....and called me over there.

he asked my age then said "im inviting you to an audition"
my face was so fucking red. i was shocked.... then, apparently, when i sat back down at the table, my face was all red. bahaha.

i was shaking....like shit. i never thought anyone would think i could do modeling. at all.
i'm going for it. seriously, i am. thats just way fucking cool.

I'M ECSTATIC.
kristen stewart will be playing Bella in the movie twilight that they're making. that makes me happy. i like emily browning fine and all, but she just doesnt seem like bella. she'd be better of playing one of the vampires.

kristen stewart just looks...normal. like a bella. i've never seen her in anything except for the messengers, and she was good in it, considering the movie was stupid.

sa;kldgjlskdg\
asgdkjsdgls
skdjlgh;lkasgasdglas
dg


:D
i'm sooo glad emily browning isnt playing her.
yea. that's all
:]]


and i finished new moon last night...read it in one day like i did with twilight. i want eclipse so bad, but then i'll be all antsy for the next book.
sdgkl
yea. thats all.

i've lost even more weight!
i weigh 119-121...the last time i weighed it was 121 right after i had eaten.
eeeg. and a bit before that, i hadnt eaten all day yet, i went to the doctor and it was 121. so i'm guessing i shave a pound or two off and that's my weight.

i'm fucking STOKED.
now any piece of shit that has the nerve to call me fat can bite my non-existant ASS.
(i'm notorious for having zero junk in the trunk.)

So I read a little story online, about a boy and a girl. The girl died from a disease, there was no more to it than that. Anyways, that and the fact that I had been thinking about Flyleaf, inspired me to write this. There will be two more parts of it. I'm very very proud of this. I even broke my vow of nothing but underoath music until november 2 :|

( i can feel you all around me )

i've lost more weight!
FUCK YES.
first from 140 to 127 [my medication made me gain weight, but now my ADD meds suppress my appetite]
and now i weigh 123-124 [it was just above 124, but i have already eaten not too long before.]


i'm soooooooooo effing happy!
now all i have to do is tone up the chubby
^-^

:]]

written a while back. from my myspace. these are all my concerts so far. i've missed like a billion